Now that we have that out of the way, let’s consider the first lesson in our February love course. If there is a prerequisite to this course it would be: open to considering love as an energetic state of being.

Love and appreciation are the same. At least my personal, sensual experience of the two both result in the giddy gush. 

Are you ready for another story? 

I like context. I like to connect the dots. I have context because I have applied the skills, tools, and strategies and gotten sustainable growth results. My ordinary days are extraordinary because I have acquired skills, tools, and strategies to manage big feelings. The stories support the why?

This is a story about People magazine and a cover of Catherine Zeta Jones. I just googled the story for a date: April 20, 2011

I have this capstone memory, one of my life aha moments, centered around this magazine cover. I think I looked at the story in the grocery store checkout line. My memory is of me sitting in my parked car in front of the duplex I was living in at the time. A little backstory to this backstory would be that I was becoming aware of my moments of clarity. These moments of clarity are now what I am referring to as well-being (in this course - love). The depression was rough and was becoming quite pervasive. Every morning seemed to be a struggle to get out the door. I took a lot of sick days - in retrospect, I never wanted to willingly go to work. And it wasn’t as if I wanted to do anything else. Some mornings, it felt like a strong magnetic force would push me back into my house as I tried to leave.

I would often make deals with myself that centered around food - food was the reward. Stopping at Starbucks on the way to work was my reward for going to work. A venti earl grey with vanilla soy and an extra crispy spinach feta wrap. If you are good with dates, note that I lived in the duplex AFTER the Breckenridge summer. As much as I wanted that summer to change me (and it did), I was still struggling. I think whenever you begin to make changes, the changes are so incremental at first that it feels like you keep returning to the problem. Kind of like a pendulum - if it’s just swinging a little at a time, it takes a bit to gain momentum - and create the space. When you start to recognize the space, you start to attune to the freedom with a growing sense of ease.

I am sitting in front of my duplex, in my parked car. I begin to tell myself that I have what Catherine Zeta-Jones has (see front cover) - bi polar II, characterized by longer low periods. I begin to encourage myself that it’s okay. I can go to the doctor. I don’t have to hide it. I can get help. As soon I was ready to approve myself of this clinical path toward feeling better, I had this moment - this epiphany.

'Feeling good' at this time referenced the clarity I was beginning to notice more acutely - AND also noticing that the rules I had placed on the clarity were constantly being challenged. For example, rule: I feel good when I get a good night sleep...and then I have a super clear day and I didn’t sleep well. Rule: I feel good when I am contributing at work...and then I have a super clear day that LEADS to contributing, but maybe I didn’t get something done - but still felt good. Rule: I feel good when I work out...and then a super clear, good feeling day when I didn’t workout and ate a lot. Do you recognize the pattern? I kept noticing evidence that was contrary to the rules I assumed were responsible for the good feeling. This is the state of ‘earning’ - or ‘other’ - that our power lies in earning, or doing things of value that are rewarded by feeling good. This is never true and will not lead to sustainable growth outcomes. This is referencing 'conditions' that result in 'love' - or result in being worthy and one of value.

The moment I had was a realization that if I could feel the clear state, even just briefly, with no medication or no particular pattern of behavior to attribute the clarity/open/good feeling to; and then the remaining time I felt shitty and dull - why couldn’t I flip it? What if I felt clear and good the majority of the time, and shitty and dull only a fraction of the time?

So that was the epiphany. If the clear space lived in me a little - and there was no evidence to suggest that something outside of me was responsible for the good feeling space. Then why couldn’t it live in me a lot? 

I definitely was beginning to develop skills. I had a co worker who would show segments of ‘the Secret’ and I would always respond to it as far as sensations in my body - I’d call it spontaneous inspiration. I didn’t really understand ‘the Secret’ - which is why I call the felt experience spontaneous. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was viscerally responding to. Possibility is what I would call it now. Ironically, but not ironically, I now am influenced by the secret behind ‘the Secret’. Abraham-Hicks has been a consistent flow of insight, validation, and broad view understanding over the last four or five years. Abraham doesn’t get a lot of props because of its origins...but I’d say the teachings are behind a HUGE majority of effective personal growth platforms - Oprah being one of the biggest.